I have been so grateful to have celebrated another solar return, or birthday, as you might call it.
This was a special one for me because of how empowering the past year of my life has been on a deeply foundational level. I feel like I have been flung from one extreme way of being into quite another.
It has been a time of learning and growing through experiencing polarities.
Because of the events that occurred from my birthday in 2013 to 2014, I have engaged secret parts of myself which I was previously unaware of. I have also re-engaged parts of myself that I’d suppressed for years as I gave away the best parts of myself…I realize now how I surrendered so many interests and passions along the way, trying to be a “people pleaser.”
This has been a time of deep inward contemplation, learning what it is that makes me tick. Discovering the things that make me feel like a whole person, in and of myself. Complete.
I have the breast cancer experience to thank for a good portion of this; however, I’ve been cancer-free since October 5, 2012.
In the time since my exodus from cancer, I’ve been undergoing a sort of metamorphosis as I’ve been more open to my own true desires and dreams. I recognize that the things I was doing before were not of my highest calling. The truth is that those pursuits left so much to be desired that I was quite depressed. – Depressed to the point where I completely had divorced myself from any acknowledgement of my unhappiness.
The conditions leading to this depression were killing me in a very literal way.
When I stepped into my birthday year of 2013, I was beginning to feel like a new woman. Each day, over the course of that year until this most recent birthday has been a revelation.
Each day, I experience myself through the new sight I have which has been gifted to me by beginning to see my reflection in the eyes of others.
I have always been a creative and musically inclined person. At one point in my career, I was preparing to be a professional musician, getting into fitness modeling and film acting. – But at distinct points in my life, I broke myself away from the creative aspects and jumped into more “practical” matters, which left me terribly bored and frustrated on a soul level.
Retrospectively, I see there was a fear of myself present that kept me thinking I needed to “be more practical.”
Eventually, I bought into this obscene notion of time having gotten “too far” away for me to pursue the passions that bring me the joy and satisfaction I deserve and require to be happy and whole.
In this birthday year from 2013 to 2014, I found that my manifestation abilities have improved in dramatic ways. I have been able to make transitions from things that were unfulfilling to the exact things I want to be doing with my life. – But first, I had to be clear about what it was that I really wanted.
I see that so many things are possible if one is listening to what the little voice inside is saying. It can be scary to stop and listen to this voice…and even more difficult to accept what it is saying, without self-judgment. And let’s be honest, most of us are too consumed with the chatter of the outer world to pay attention to these little voices.
I was guilty of this. I recognize, now, how utterly scared shitless of my inner truths I was.
You learn who you are and what you are actually made of when you make the decision to face that fear and acknowledge those truths. Cancer was an expedited process for me to get that sort of samurai-training. With an illness like cancer, there are extremely personal and large decisions to make, all of which carry potentially fear-inspiring consequences.
This, honestly, was something I needed to happen. I needed to face myself, face my fears…and since that, I’ve been unencumbered in ways that words will simply never do justice.
So…what did clarity bring me over the course of the year?
In this year, I …
- Helped produce an independent film (first of 10 we intend to do over the next 10 years).
- Helped donate gorgeous murals to my city.
- Learned who my friends are.
- Realized the ways that I was giving away too much of my heart to people who were only hurting me. I redirected my love inward and then began to get flooded with love from people who resonate on similar frequencies as me.
- Have become so much closer with my family and have even mended some broken relationships.
- Was able to finalize some business with my family which as been under cultivation for approximately 4 years’ time.
- And the coup is that I’ve gotten in touch with the priceless lesson of true vulnerability. In this, I have found my authentic power, reclaimed my physical competence and am on my way to looking absolutely devastating in a bikini.
There’s power in a renewed mind.
So many things. I’m grateful beyond words. Actually, these are some of the coolest things I’ve ever been able to participate in…and they all began to come at once.
I have been marinating myself on these thoughts (and 528 hertz) over the full month of my solar return (February 3 – March 3). In that time, I’ve journaled and gotten much closer to myself, to my inner. I’ve articulated future goals for myself, and I’ve introduced some new forms of love and expression into my life.
I intend to share more about these things in time.
For now, I want to thank the amazing people in my life. I thank you all for contributing to this rich experience we share. I send my thanks to the ones who have kicked holes in my heart, because you’ve challenged me to grow and to be stronger. I’ve learned to love myself better because of you. I reserve judgement because I’m grateful for the self-growth and the karmic experience.
It’s been a remarkable year for me. I’m energized for the promise held in this solar return.
My motto this year is, “Follow your heart.” – I hope that you, too, will follow yours.