Thoughts on a solar return

Myyyy b-earth-day!

Myyyy b-earth-day!

I have been so grateful to have celebrated another solar return, or birthday, as you might call it.

This was a special one for me because of how empowering the past year of my life has been on a deeply foundational level. I feel like I have been flung from one extreme way of being into quite another.

It has been a time of learning and growing through experiencing polarities.

Because of the events that occurred from my birthday in 2013 to 2014, I have engaged secret parts of myself which I was previously unaware of. I have also re-engaged parts of myself that I’d suppressed for years as I gave away the best parts of myself…I realize now how I surrendered so many interests and passions along the way, trying to be a “people pleaser.”

This has been a time of deep inward contemplation, learning what it is that makes me tick. Discovering the things that make me feel like a whole person, in and of myself. Complete.

I have the breast cancer experience to thank for a good portion of this; however, I’ve been cancer-free since October 5, 2012.

In the time since my exodus from cancer, I’ve been undergoing a sort of metamorphosis as I’ve been more open to my own true desires and dreams. I recognize that the things I was doing before were not of my highest calling. The truth is that those pursuits left so much to be desired that I was quite depressed. – Depressed to the point where I completely had divorced myself from any acknowledgement of my unhappiness.

The conditions leading to this depression were killing me in a very literal way.

When I stepped into my birthday year of 2013, I was beginning to feel like a new woman. Each day, over the course of that year until this most recent birthday has been a revelation.

Each day, I experience myself through the new sight I have which has been gifted to me by beginning to see my reflection in the eyes of others.

I have always been a creative and musically inclined person. At one point in my career, I was preparing to be a professional musician, getting into fitness modeling and film acting. – But at distinct points in my life, I broke myself away from the creative aspects and jumped into more “practical” matters, which left me terribly bored and frustrated on a soul level.

Retrospectively, I see there was a fear of myself present that kept me thinking I needed to “be more practical.”

Eventually, I bought into this obscene notion of time having gotten “too far” away for me to pursue the passions that bring me the joy and satisfaction I deserve and require to be happy and whole.

In this birthday year from 2013 to 2014, I found that my manifestation abilities have improved in dramatic ways. I have been able to make transitions from things that were unfulfilling to the exact things I want to be doing with my life. – But first, I had to be clear about what it was that I really wanted.

I see that so many things are possible if one is listening to what the little voice inside is saying. It can be scary to stop and listen to this voice…and even more difficult to accept what it is saying, without self-judgment. And let’s be honest, most of us are too consumed with the chatter of the outer world to pay attention to these little voices.

I was guilty of this. I recognize, now, how utterly scared shitless of my inner truths I was.

You learn who you are and what you are actually made of when you make the decision to face that fear and acknowledge those truths. Cancer was an expedited process for me to get that sort of samurai-training. With an illness like cancer, there are extremely personal and large decisions to make, all of which carry potentially fear-inspiring consequences.

This, honestly, was something I needed to happen. I needed to face myself, face my fears…and since that, I’ve been unencumbered in ways that words will simply never do justice.

So…what did clarity bring me over the course of the year?

In this year, I …

  1. Helped produce an independent film (first of 10 we intend to do over the next 10 years).
  2. Helped donate gorgeous murals to my city.
  3. Learned who my friends are.
  4. Realized the ways that I was giving away too much of my heart to people who were only hurting me. I redirected my love inward and then began to get flooded with love from people who resonate on similar frequencies as me.
  5. Have become so much closer with my family and have even mended some broken relationships.
  6. Was able to finalize some business with my family which as been under cultivation for approximately 4 years’ time.
  7. And the coup is that I’ve gotten in touch with the priceless lesson of true vulnerability. In this, I have found my authentic power, reclaimed my physical competence and am on my way to looking absolutely devastating in a bikini. :D  
Friends and me, going out for fun on my b-earth-day

Friends and me, going out for fun on my b-earth-day

There’s power in a renewed mind.

So many things. I’m grateful beyond words. Actually, these are some of the coolest things I’ve ever been able to participate in…and they all began to come at once.

I have been marinating myself on these thoughts (and 528 hertz) over the full month of my solar return (February 3 – March 3). In that time, I’ve journaled and gotten much closer to myself, to my inner. I’ve articulated future goals for myself, and I’ve introduced some new forms of love and expression into my life.

I intend to share more about these things in time.

For now, I want to thank the amazing people in my life. I thank you all for contributing to this rich experience we share. I send my thanks to the ones who have kicked holes in my heart, because you’ve challenged me to grow and to be stronger. I’ve learned to love myself better because of you. I reserve judgement because I’m grateful for the self-growth and the karmic experience.

It’s been a remarkable year for me. I’m energized for the promise held in this solar return.

My motto this year is, “Follow your heart.” – I hope that you, too, will follow yours. :)

Something that improved my self-image.

Feeling awesome.

Feeling awesome.

On Monday this past week, I had a powerful experience that I would like to share about.

I have a good friend who is a very special woman, named Claudia. She is a lot of wonderful things, one being a caregiver for a young man in his teens who is autistic. He is a high energy person who doesn’t communicate verbally, hardly makes eye contact with people and who doesn’t make physical contact generally, unless it’s a fistbump. He does like to do his fistbumps. :)

I had been thinking of Claudia and was so happy that she texted me on Monday to invite me on a hike with her client. I had just been getting over a really bad cold that knocked me down for a long time, so I was super excited to see them and also finally get some exercise in the amazing weather we have been having all week.

Recently, I’ve been in sort of an incubatory mode. Being down, with no voice for so long, it has felt like the Universe was sending me a clear signal to go inward, listen more, and allow myself to work some things out. It coordinated nicely with the planetary alignments for January, especially being an Aquarius. (A good friend of mine did a video about this, actually.)

I have had some emotionally charged situations arise since around the 2013 holiday season which have helped to define for me what love, compassion, and relationships truly mean to me. The short of it is that there have been a number of people and situations which have evacuated from my life. I ejected some on my own, others willingly revoked their own access to me.

It has been liberating and impactful to have been freed from some of the psychic chaos that I didn’t realize I had invited due to my associations with people who were dealing with some dark aspects of their psyche and inflicting it onto others. (Sometimes we don’t realize these things til we’re able to look back in hindsight…or so has been the case for me.)

People who had negative views of me or who wanted to try to control me in some way have exited.

All though I’ve been relieved by this, I have to be honest that it has also been difficult for me to understand it in ways. I feel like I have gone out of my way to be honest and real about who I am, what my intentions are, and have done what I consider my best to walk steps that correspond to those truths. This is part of what I’ve incubated myself to consider…I had to consider it because, even though I know that no one’s opinion of me defines me, I still managed to find myself hurting over this.

Monday, however, I had a revelation.

I met my good friend, Claudia, her client and their dogs at a lovely park nearby my home. It was my first time to meet Claudia’s client. Claudia informed that he probably would ignore me because he doesn’t make contact with people. She shared with me that she’s literally one of the only people he will touch and that occasionally when they hike he likes to lock arms with her, like buddies. This is kind of a big deal with him.

So we go ahead and begin our hiking together. I took some great pics. (Those of you who are friends with me on Facebook and who followed this link back to my blog probably saw just how gorgeous it was.) We had an amazing time on our hike, catching up, hanging out, sharing laughs and just making the most of our time together.

I am a super inclusive kind of gal. I like to cater to and accommodate people, help them feel happy and good about themselves. It’s one of my specialties and it is one of the things that also makes me feel best in this life, really treating people as precious as they are to me whatever way I can. It’s my way of life and it has earned me the confidence of people-shy folks along the way…but I digress. I mean to say that along our hike together, I would say things to him, smile at him, kinda fueling his fire and fun as we traveled together.

I wasn’t prepared for the sweetness that would earn me. As I’m writing this and remembering what it felt like, I get a little misty-eyed…

He approached me, put his arm around me to pull me close, and then he laced his fingers with mine to walk with me. I was completely flabbergasted and truly honoured at this gesture of acknowledgment, trust and love.

This young man doesn’t do this. Claudia’s jaw hit the gravel when she saw because she has never seen him respond to anyone the way he did to me…especially on a first meeting.

For the rest of our hike, he was very affectionate with me, putting his arm around me, linking arms or holding my hand. And then he gave me the sweetest and most satisfying hug I have had in a very long time. His hug said many things to me that I needed to know.

My new friend’s opinion of me and our connection together means more to me than any of the sour opinions/actions I’ve had foisted on me by insensitive or broken people who actively perpetuate their hurt by inflicting onto others. – And also those who evade the truth behind the feelings that drive them to treat others recklessly.

There was so much soul medicine in this encounter that I’m sure I haven’t any way of adequately verbally expressing. It’s one of those things that you had to have experienced, firsthand, to fully realize its gravity.

And that’s okay because it was intended for me.

I’m grateful beyond measure for the absolutely perfect timing of the event to touch me in the manner which it has. It has given me a new lens with which I may experience myself; through another’s eyes. Those eyes feel observant and honest to me.

And I’m reminded that what has been coming into my life speaks more to my character than what has exited my life.

I smile now, experiencing myself in a new way. It’s a new year all right!

So I’m letting myself off the hook for feelings of responsibility to accommodate another person’s unrealistic expectations of me. No more self-sabotage!

I encourage anyone reading this to consider their own self-image. Are you inflicting another’s brokenness onto yourself in some way? Is there something there that just isn’t really working for you anymore? It’s easy to get used to these things, believe me you…but that doesn’t mean that you’re stuck. Sometimes you just need to look at yourself with fresh eyes. I was fortunate to have been given a hand with that.

Sooooooo, thanks for reading, Dear Reader. I appreciate you more than you know.

Love and thoughts,

Cat

I am here.

Cat Alexandra

Empath, energy worker, musician. Observer, thinker, participater & Intuitive Consultant. Dilettante on various other topics. Trying my hand at this "writing thing"...

Time is not important, only the quality of life.
I am here.

Latest posts by Cat Alexandra (see all)

Resolve to begin.

cat alexandra, welcome to your clean slate

Welcome to your clean slate

Hello All,

Not sure who might make it over here from my last life and who will be new or what-have-you…so I’ll just start by saying, Happy New Year to you!

So much has happened over the past year and a half (roughly). I have written quite a bit in that time, but that was personal stuff I did to work things out for myself…not necessarily the version of what I would prefer to share.

I have been meaning to write here but didn’t quite know where to start. Then, it occurred to me that sometimes you just have to begin.

I learned this from my encounter with cancer, actually. This lesson seems to carry over into every facet of my life.

Let’s face it, sometimes what is being hurled at you can leave you so weary that the fact you’re able to remain standing is a coup in itself.

Me? Well, yeah I have definitely been weathered through some of that…and I have also learned that leaving that place doesn’t have to be such a big deal. Yeah, you want to get somewhere good, but you don’t have to overanalyze all of it just yet. If you can focus on taking a step, practically any direction (at this juncture) will suffice.

Baby steps, right?

So here’s the resolution from this Cat: Just get started.

I’m not sure exactly how or what I will tell here in this space. If you don’t like that I dawdle and circle over my points before I present my conclusions then that’s okay. I admit I may be a bit eccentric for the tastes of many. This is, however, my space…

I resolve to not stand in my own way. I resolve to be the most honest version of myself that I’m able to face under the conditions under which I must perform in moment’s notice. I will constantly strive to expand in self-awareness for the purpose of injecting the best of myself and my energy into the world as I co-create my life.

I’m resolved and grateful to have endured a self-created chaos that threatened my life to have come out feeling like a samurai sword that has been forged in fire.

I’m grateful to have fallen in love with myself and my life and then in a way that shocked me and which has made me a stronger person.

I’m grateful to have endured the growth that comes of the suffering from being rejected and hurt by inconsiderate people who have treated me poorly. In surviving this, I have learned new levels of compassion and unconditional love that I never held space for previously.

It is amazing what having your guts ripped out can do for your inner peace. It’s non-intuitive, but I swear it has worked on me in ways I couldn’t have fathomed as I choked on my momentary tears.

It has been an excruciating and delicious year and a half, especially this past 2013. I thank you with a bursting heart for all that I have been fortunate to experience in you, 2013.

I intend now that my love bursts out in infinite directions and smacks you right where ever you might need it most right this moment, Dear Reader.

My love to all…especially to those cowering from the corners of dark places. My heart goes to you. It is my wish that somehow hope may find you where you are…that you may find a place of peace where in the quiet space there you can find the strength to stand and weather your storm. And once that storm passes, may you find the strength to put one foot in front of the other and boldly take that one step that you can see, now. The others will follow.

It is a new year here. A new year with a clean slate.

I feel there are winds at our backs if we can stop and be still for a second to feel them there, caressing us gently as we move forward. Jupiter (A.K.A. the “Planet of Luck”) is in retrograde through March. I intend to allow it to supportively usher me along into this first quarter. I hope you will do the same for yourself. Another wish from me. :)

Cheers to you in 2014 and happy New You! Hope to see you around again soon.

Love and thoughts,

Cat

I am here.

Cat Alexandra

Empath, energy worker, musician. Observer, thinker, participater & Intuitive Consultant. Dilettante on various other topics. Trying my hand at this "writing thing"...

Time is not important, only the quality of life.
I am here.

Latest posts by Cat Alexandra (see all)

Intuitive Consultant & Writer